Guys, I need to brag on myself a little bit. I have this amazing ability to remember every mistake I have ever made. I also have this amazing ability where I remember every time someone has wronged me too! Wow, what a gift.
I am working on being more forgiving of others and being more forgiving of myself. I used to hold grudges towards people who made comments about my body, and actually, I can still annoyingly remember these comments. There was this guy in high school that noticed how self-conscious I was about my butt because I always adjusted and pulled down my shirt to cover it. He told his friend how he noticed this and his friend told me. Why? I don’t know. It was high school, and people did and said stupid things. I held onto those words, and it bothered me that my body was being talked about. It bothered me that someone noticed my insecurities. In high school, I tried my best to be hidden. If Facebook were around then, I’m sure I would NOT have been posting selfies or telling about my struggles. In high school, I just wanted to blend in and pass through. This guy is now a doctor, so I can imagine he has changed a bit since high school. And even if he was working at 7-11, he probably would have changed since high school because people change as they grow up. And going back to what he said, or at least what was relayed to me, he didn’t say anything bad about my butt. He just noticed that I pulled my shirt down to cover it. I was the one who was body shaming myself! I was the one holding on to those words, repeating them over and over in my head to continuously make myself feel shitty.
A few years back, I was working with a female trainer. I showed up to a session and told her how I was feeling a lot better about my weight and she blurted out, “Yeah, you look a lot less bloated.” I was mortified. She really just said that to me? This sentence was on my mind for the next hour of our session. I went home and told Paul about it. I texted my best friend about it. I held onto those words as if they were meant to hurt me. As if my trainer was actually trying to put me down. I never once thought to put myself in her shoes. She very well could have felt bad or awkward about saying it to me, or she could have just not thought about it at all. Maybe it wasn’t the best choice of words, but I don’t think my trainer was trying to hurt me. Yes, words matter, but also people are human, and they make mistakes with their words. I wish I didn’t remember this about her because she also did amazing things while she was my trainer, but these words stick out to me. As I am writing this, I am hoping to somehow bless and release those words and release that whole memory of her. It’s not what should define her character in my head. I have a choice- I can continue to let what people have said about my body hurt me or I can develop a thicker skin and move on with life. Thinking back, I wish I would have just said, “Hey, maybe a different choice of words!” Or maybe I’d have made a joke of the situation. Again, I don’t think she was trying to hurt me, and I didn’t have to let her words hurt me. But my mind was not in the same place it is right now. I was always operating out of fear and was always looking for the next person to hurt me.
Just a few months ago, when I first moved in to our Atlanta apartment, a guy in our building was describing me to Paul. He saw me sitting at a table in our hallway, we chatted, and I told him I moved here to live with my boyfriend but didn’t tell him my BF was the one and only PAUL. A few days later, he saw Paul and told him how he met a cute girl who was small on top but thicker on the bottom but she threw out the BF card right away. As he was describing me to Paul, Paul knew right away that it was me. Paul retold the hilarious story to me, and I burst out into tears hearing that someone was describing my fucking giant legs. That’s all I heard from the story. That someone noticed I have tree trunks instead of sticks for legs. When I think back on this story, I do NOW laugh because, well, it actually got really funny as the months went on because dude still didn’t know I was Paul’s girlfriend. He saw Paul with Jameson and he saw me with Jameson, but he never put two and two together until he saw me and Paul together months later. I digress. Anyways, THAT is the main idea of the story. It was a funny story. It wasn’t about my legs. The story wasn’t about my legs. If this were a multiple choice test, and you had to pick the topic of the story, it would be mistaken identity or something and NOT JACLYN HAS BIG LEGS. That story was not a story about my legs, but that’s all I could hear from the story. Someone talking about my legs. Someone trying to be mean to me. Someone trying to put me down because of my legs.
All my life, I have been waiting for people to offend me. I look for occasions to be offended. Someone said the word “thick” around me? Well, I’m going to start swearing and crying and be sad and hold onto those feelings for weeks, months, even years. Someone noticed that I ate my whole plate of chicken and waffles? Well, I’m going to start swearing and crying and be sad and hold onto those feelings for weeks, months, even years. Someone noticed that I am a little shy and not the most confident person in the room? Well, I’m going to start swearing and crying and be sad and hold onto those feelings for weeks, months, even years.
Do you know how exhausting it is to be offended your whole life? Do you know what it’s like to wait for someone to say something mean and then jump at it? Do you know what it’s like to listen to every word said, to take every person’s eye glance, opinion, Facebook comment, or lack of comment to heart? It’s stupid. It’s so fucking stupid and time consuming and not what we are meant to be doing with our time on earth. I’m 100% not saying that we aren’t allowed to be sensitive, but living your whole life looking for occasions to be offended is a waste of a whole life.
I’m building a thicker skin. I’m not perfect. I still make mistakes. I still hear things, freak out a bit, remind myself I am safe, try to move on, cry, promise myself to move on, and slowly move on. I may not have legs like Taylor Swift- oh, another comment someone told me that I still hold on to even though it wasn’t meant to be mean. It’s just the truth. I don’t have legs like Taylor Swift and I never will. But even though I don’t have legs like her, I can shake it off. I can learn to not take offense. I can move on with my life. The more time I spend being upset about something, the less time I have to do something great in my life.
Paul has been telling me to do this for 7 years. Legit. He has been trying to make me a happier person for 7 years, but it’s taken until now for me to really do it. Or at least I am doing my best with it, realizing when I am holding onto something I don’t need to be holding onto, and forgiving others and forgiving myself. We’re all human. We don’t need to be mad if we don’t want to be.
This all comes to mind because I made a mistake this morning. I was emailing with a potential coaching client, and I said something that I think she took offense to. I am still learning as I go. We all are. And I’m not perfect, and that’s what I was talking about. That none of us are perfect. That we all have to start somewhere. That we can be a beginner and get out there and start and figure shit out as we go instead of waiting for the perfect time. I can’t wait until I am the perfect coach or else I will always be waiting. I’m not the perfect coach. I am still learning about confidence and motivation and how best to support my clients. So yeah, I’m going to mess up as I go. That’s life! We learn from shit.
What I did this morning, and what I did this afternoon, is where I went wrong. I analyzed the sitation a million times. I reread her email, my email, my response to her response, the whole chain of emails. I read them a few times. I thought about what I could have said instead. I thought about how she may have taken what I said. I decided that I needed to quit coaching because I flubbed on an email. I flubbed on a single email and therefore needed to quit my coaching business. Did you hear that? I have been working on this for almost a year, messed up one email, and thought I needed to close shop.
Listen- learning from our experiences is what we are supposed to do, but overanalyzing and causing anxiety for ourselves is NOT healthy. Spending a few minutes on the situation, wait for a response, and continue to grow and learn.
Did she even take offense to what I said? I have no idea. I am just making up things in my head right now.
Here’s what I have learned:
1. I need to forgive others who I’ve previously convinced myself were out to hurt me. Even if they meant to hurt me at the time, holding on to it doesn’t help me. If I can tell myself preposterous stories that hurt myself, I can tell myself preposterous stories that help myself. I need to let go of these things or at least not obsess and replay them over and over in my head.
2. I need to forgive myself when I humanly make a mistake. I’m not out to hurt anyone either. I can apologize, explain myself, and listen to them, and if the person I am talking to does not accept me or like me, I can move on. I don’t need to dwell on situations that aren’t helping me as a person or my business. If I am not the right coach for someone, then I’m not the right coach for someone. They are a person, and so am I. We get to pick who we want in our lives, and if I don’t make the cut in someone else’s life, that’s okay.
All in all, I really liked this lady, and I hope we are able to reconnect. If we aren’t able to reconnect, then it wasn’t meant to be at this time. While I do need to “sell” myself, my coaching business is not about the quick and easy sale. I am not looking for people to scam. I am not looking to hurt people or a relationship or bring people down.
This was reiterated a TON at Summit. Chalene said over and over again, “If you think you’re selling a shake, you’ve missed the mark.” And it’s true. While I drink and “sell” a shake, I am NOT an independent Shakeology sales consultant. Chalene will tell ya. My coaching business is about connecting with other people who need my help. My coaching business is about boosting people up and cheering them on. My coaching business is for me to make a living while helping people. That’s it. My coaching business is about working with people who want to be on the same path as me.
Where does this new outlook on life come from? Team Inspire Joy. Thank you ladies. I tried losing weight on my own in 2015, and have since realized while I thought it was about the weight, it wasn't just about the weight. I started working on my relationship with food and realized I had to work on my relationship with me.
What is Team Inspire Joy? Basically a group of badass ladies all working on being the best versions of ourselves. Some of the ladies are full-time Beachbody coaches that are coaching other women for a living, and some of the ladies are just badass women who want to be surrounded be other badass women. That's it! We have a group, we get together when we are in town, we visit each other, we go to conferences together, and this fall, I will be running a marathon with one of the ladies from Inspire Joy. Yes, I met someone on the internet and said, if she is running that, so can I!! And I am going to meet her in real life. Is she actually a catfish and not who she led me to believe she was? I hope not because I'm allergic to cats!
In conclusion, put positive shit out into the world. Attract like-minded people. Bless and release things you don’t need in your life. Bless and release times you fck up. Give yourself grace.