If you know me, you know I'm a crier. I probably don't go a week without crying.
Cute puppy at PetSmart? Tears.
Really hungry on the drive home? Tears.
Paul has the apartment clean and dinner made when I get home? Tears.
So yeah, it's only Saturday, and I've already cried twice.
Last night, Paul and I were laying on the couch talking about what we wanted to do on Saturday. We talked about getting some beers and enjoying the weather. (Yah, it's like 72 degrees here this weekend. In January. And last weekend it was 14 degrees.) Paul and I are really different, and drinking a bunch of beers has never been my idea of a good weekend. Maybe a drink if we went out with friends but not a lot.
And then when I started being serious about wanting to lose weight, any beer on the weekend was a big no no. On 21 Day Fix, you're allowed 3 servings of alcohol a week, and I am pretty sure the intention is not to have them all in one day. On Whole30, alcohol is a BIG BIG NO NO. And even when I wasn't doing Whole30, I still felt super guilty about alcohol because I felt like if I had some, I'd get f-a-t. I hate that word. But that's what I'd tell myself. "If I drink alcohol, I will get fat. I am not at my goal weight yet, so no alcohol until I'm there." If and when I broke this "rule" I'd feel super guilty and blame myself for not being skinny. Pretty twisted way of thinking. I can't have any fun beverages because I want to be skinny, and I want to be skinny so I can be happy. (And I don't want to blame the creators of Whole30 because I don't think a lot of this was their intention. I think people on social media have taken their rules and created them to being a year long diet, when again, I don't believe that was their intention.)
So Paul suggested we grab beers, and I realized that I could. I could get beers, and I would be fine. I wasn't going to gain weight. I wasn't going to feel guilty. I really could drink beers, be imperfect, not gain weight, not drunk eat a BUNCH of food, and be okay. I cried. I haven't not worried about gaining weight in 6 years. That's a lie. I have worried about weight my whole life. But it was about 6 years that I gained a significant amount of weight for the first time and didn't know what to do. I have been living in fear since then. When I left teaching, I released a ball of tightness and anxiety in my chest. Last night, I released my fear of gaining weight.
I'm okay. And I'm going to be okay. I am not going to gain weight. If I go overboard one day, that doesn't mean I will go overboard the rest of the week or month. I can be imperfect with food and be okay. I cried. I have been scared of gaining weight again for the last 2 years.
I'm going to be okay.
The second time I cried this weekend was this morning on a video coaching call with my coach and a few ladies from Team Inspire Joy. I absolutely love having this community of women to pow-wow with. I've told them so many of my deepest, darkest secrets, and they've seen me cry about my body so many times. And they've helped me work through so many of my internal issues. They remind me I am smart, beautiful, and strong when that little voice in my head is saying otherwise. This morning I told them how I wasn't afraid of gaining weight anymore. I'm not afraid of yo-yo dieting. I'm not dieting anymore. I can seriously get rid of all my clothes that are too big for me. I don't depend on food for emotional help. I don't binge anymore. I'm past where I've been, and I have zero fear about falling backwards. I cried and celebrated this with these ladies. I'm not perfect by any means, but I have changed my life in just 1.5 years. Like I am a completely different person. I actually like myself now. We all cried a bit. :)
How did I get here????
I'm going to let you in on two secrets that helped me get over my fears:
1. People. Yes, I have done a million programs and diets and races but my secret is people. More specifically the Beachbody coaches on Team Inspire Joy.
When I became a coach 1.5 years ago, I was a f*cking mess. I was still trying to make Whole30 into Whole365. It's meant to do for 1 month to reset your diet, but I decided I needed to make it my diet because I didn't trust myself with food off the plan. I had a fear of gaining back the weight I had lost, so I vowed to never eating carbs or ever drinking alcohol. But the ladies of Inspire Joy?? They were all enjoying life, going out to eat, going to drinks with friends. I was still struggling with how I saw myself in the mirror. All I could see were two giant tree stumps for legs, and that told me I needed to work harder and eat less food. And again, the other ladies on my team had imperfect bodies but were still enjoying life. Why couldn't I enjoy life with my imperfect body??? I listened to what these women talked about during weekly videos calls. I listened to their wins with body image issues, their wins with getting over the number on the scale, and their wins with being happy with themselves. And the more I heard it, the more I wanted it for myself and the more I believed I deserved it too. The more I told myself I deserved being happy, the more I truly became happy. I read the books they suggested, I wrote the journal prompts they suggested, I reflected on the questions they suggested. Yes, I could be a happy person. I didn't have to live in fear my whole life. I could be imperfect and still be amazing.
My body is not perfect. I can accept that my body is not perfect. I accept that there will probably never be a day that my body will be perfect....
As soon as my thighs are "fixed" I will find something else wrong to fix. So f*ck that... I don't want to waste my life worrying.
Now here is where the cool part is and my second secret.
2. I can keep working on my body while accepting its imperfections. I am f*cking addicted to these Beachbody programs because they strengthen my mind and my body. I look back on the last 2.5 years, and I have completed 21 Day Fix, 21 Day Fix Extreme, PiYo, Hammer and Chisel, Yoga Retreat, and Core de Force. WHAT?! I used to go to the gym and half-ass a Zumba workout or lightly move on the elliptical for 15 minutes. AND NOW I HAVE COMPLETED 6 WORKOUT PROGRAMS?!
I am currently working on Body Beast. Holy f*ck. It is so hard. Holy f*ck. It is so fun. I love it because guys, I get to eat 9 servings of carbs. I can eat carbs. I can eat carbs. I can eat carbs. I've eaten about 2200 calories for the last week, and guess what?!? I didn't gain 25 pounds back. The food is fuel, and without it, I would feel so shaky. Food is fuel, and with it, I am able to do so much more. I am able to lift more. I am able to get mentally and physically stronger. And I get to workout with my boyfriend!!! AND I feel like I finally have the mental strength to tackle the one illusive program that has defeated me soooo many times: Insanity. I am actually excited to complete Body Beast so that I can tackle Insanity. I have tried it probably 4 times, and I have never been able to complete it. I have 0 fears about it. I am excited to start it, COMPLETE IT, and send Shaun T a before and after photo of me and a link to my blog telling him how he has changed my life. Is it silly that I am excited about that?? These programs are magical.
So that's it. Those are my "secrets" that I post about all the time. People. Amazing. Programs. Amazing. Beachbody. Amazing. Life changing. More than I've ever gotten out of a gym membership. More than a trainer or a class. It's like a sorority for adult life. And I love it. My life would not be where it's at today without Beachbody and Team Inspire Joy.
Curious about what this team is all about? Looking for some ladies to cheer you on too? Yah, if you're taking the time to read this blog, you and I probably connect on some level and can help each other. That's what this is about. Girl, shoot me an email and let's chat about LIFE.